A Working Mum

That’s what I now am. One of the reasons the blog has been neglected is that I have recently started temping. I was struggling to get a part time job – I think the fact that I had a blank CV for the last four years puts people off – so I went into a temping agency and had some work 48 hours later.

It’s been a shock to the system. My parents have been fantastic in helping look after the boys so I can go to work, and it’s been hard leaving them. Especially this week where I have been working a 6 day week (Sunday at a car dealership, Mon-Fri at a Letting’s Agency) and the same again next week.

I’m tired. And my feet hurt, I’m not used to wearing office type shoes and I have blisters! Although I have enjoyed it, I will be glad when my second full week is over and we go to Cornwall for our holiday, and I can spend some time with my boys, as I am worried they will forget me.

It’s definitely made me realise that when they boys are this small, I don’t want to work full time, but I am hoping that now I have this recent work on my CV that I will be more employable to get a permanent part time job, and even though full time isn’t something I would consider now, I will probably change my mind when both boys are in school full time.

 

Today, you are one

Dear Zack

Today you are one year old! Where did the time go? It just feels like yesterday that we were in hospital, waiting to bring you home.

You are a very special little boy. I don’t want to call you my miracle baby, because I don’t believe you are a miracle but I do want you to know how much we ached for you. You see, mummy was very poorly before you were even a twinkle in our eyes, and we didn’t know if we would be able to have any more babies. The day I found out I was pregnant was such a happy one.

Having you meant I could finally move on and start to put the past behind me. Towards the end of my pregnancy with you, the doctors were worried that I was poorly again, and I had to have lots of appointments and tests, and scans to see what was going on. I was heartbroken. If I was poorly again, it would mean that I wouldn’t have been around for the few few months of your life because I would be needing more treatment to make me better, and you would have to be born early, and someone else would be doing the bonding with you that I should have been. I cried when I found out it was all a false alarm and I was fine.

You arrived a week early on April 1st 2012. You share a birthday with your Aunty Cary, which she is very happy about.

You are so, so loved. Mummy, Daddy and your big brother Jake love you so much. You are such a gorgeous boy, so smiley, with so much dark hair. Everyone says you look like me, sorry about that! You are growing up fast, and it won’t be long before you are walking, and then we will be in trouble!

I promise, to both you and your brother, that I will always love you, I will always be there for you, and I will always put you first. I will be there for every big event (and even the not so big ones) and I will love you until my dying breath. All of this, I promise you.

I am so lucky to have you. Thank you for bringing sunshine and smiles into every day.

Brandon

You brought a ray of sunshine

When all around was grey

I don’t know what would have happened

If you hadn’t come our way.

You put a spark of love and hope

In our hearts filled with grief and pain

You made us laugh, where once we cried

Made us want to live again.

Now you fill our days with love

And happy dreams at night

You came, a gift from up above

Our special guiding light.

K.L. Murray

There is no pause button

On Monday, Zack will be one. In May, Jake will be four. He starts school in September. It’s going far too quickly.

Sometimes, I wish there was a pause button. To soak up these times. To enjoy them being small for longer.

My boys are my world. I love them with all that I am. And I know that they are MY boys, and I am supposed to love them with all that I am, and treasure the time I spend with them. But I struggle to understand why other people can’t make time for them. Not when they have time for everyone else.

Jake, he understands things. He understands broken promises. He remembers that we are going to Thomas Land soon. He understands we are going on holiday to a farm. He understands that soon, Daddy is going to take him camping. He understands these things because I talk to him about them, so he remembers.

But just as easily, he forgets. If he doesn’t see someone for a long time, he forgets them.

Zack, he’s nearly one. He’s crawling, he’s walking around the furniture, he has a personality. He throws a strop if he doesn’t get his own way. But he’s so smiley, and happy. And he’s growing, so fast.

And I can’t pause it. There is nothing I can do to slow it down. But I’m here, I’m watching, I’m drinking it all in. I’m not missing out.

There is no pause button. They grow. They change. There is nothing I can do.

There is no pause button.

Emma Dewson doesn’t blog here….

One of the things I like about wordpress (and it may well be the same for other blogging platforms, I don’t know) is that I can see what people have searched for to bring them to my blog.

Today, I have had someone search for “female gruffalo”. Random.

But I always get a little freaked out when someone types in a name of someone and it brings them to my blog. It’s happened once or twice, but this week alone, four searches have been done for “Emma Dewson”, eight in the last quarter.

Emma Dewson comments
Emma Dewson weightloss facebook
Emma Dewson slimming world facebook
Emma Dewson diet facebook
Emma Dewson weightloss profile
Emma Dewson next facebook post
Emma Dewson photo post
Emma Dewson weight

To whoever it is that is trying to find anything out about Emma, I’m sorry to disappoint you. This isn’t Emma’s blog. It’s mine. It’s about me. My weight, my diet, my photo’s, my boys, my family, my life. Me, me me!

Thanks for your interest in this blog, but if it’s Emma you’re interested in, you’re in the wrong place. And I’m actually quite concerned about your level of interest in her. Perhaps if you don’t know these things about Emma, it’s because she doesn’t want you to?

If you’d like to comment and tell me why the obsession, I’d be interested to know.

****EDIT TO ADD – Since posting this blog, she has been searched for again. This time “Emma Dewson loose a stone comment”  I’m watching you. And for the record? It’s lose, not loose.

Hair’s a Dilemma

 I am not known for ever being adventurous with my hair. My two styles are ponytail, or down. Unless it’s short, and then it’s flat, or spiky. And it hasn’t been short by choice for a year or two Before Cancer (BC). Occasionally I can go a bit mad with colour, but even then, it’s plum, or burgundy, or at my most adventurous, blue/black.

But Post Cancer (PC) I’ve not done anything. I’ve let it grow. And grow some more, and then a bit more. And now I’m bored.

So, dear readers, I am going to post some of my various hairstyles in the hope you will guide me. My hair appointment is booked for Sunday at 10am.

Help!

Short and spiky. Before cancer, before babies

Growing out the short and spiky

Four days after diagnosis, just before starting chemo, the day I decided to get my hair cut short in preparation for losing it

1 month post chemo

2 months post chemo, still looking puffy from the steroids

Around 7 months post chemo

9 months post chemo

Around 10 months post chemo

11 months post chemo

Last night! 2.5 years post chemo

So I don’t really know what to do. I did love it short, but I’m not ready to go back there yet I don’t think. But I am bored with having it this long. I’m contemplating a fringe, but hubby says no.

What do you think?
 

 

Week 1 Weigh Day

The results are in, and I can reveal I lost 3.5lbs on my first week of Weight Watchers (I’m also still taking the XLS Medical).

It has by no means been easy, and I have to say I found Slimming World A LOT easier to follow, but I needed a change, a different plan to follow. I knew it so well, that it just wasn’t working.

So, I started on 27 points, and because of my loss, I’m now down to 26 *sob*.

I do have some concerns about my group leader though. She did her introductory chat to me at the end of group last week. Told me that she joined WW twenty-something years ago, reached her target and has been a group leader ever since.

My first thought was “Yes, but you’re not at target now, are you?” Is that mean of me? Perhaps, however, she’s encouraging (supposedly, I’ll get onto that in a minute) us to lose weight, but she’s not in a healthy BMI range of 20-25, and that is what Weight Watchers aim is. Your target has to be in the healthy BMI range if you are ever to become a Gold Member (Slimming World lets you choose your own target, even if it’s not in the healthy BMI).

Last night, she wanted us all to write down a goal on our weigh in records. We had to have a goal in mind for the week after Easter. Something we want to achieve, something achievable It could be a particular weight we want to be by then, the next dress size down, the next hole in your belt etc. I wrote down that I wanted a total of 10lb loss by then. Not unachievable as I’ve already lost 3.5lb, so it’s only another 6.5, over 4 weeks, that’s less than 2lb a week. She asked for people to tell her what they had written down. As I’m new to the group, and quite shy (yes, really!) I didn’t put my hand up to volunteer my goal. Another lady did though, and her goal was to lose 7lb between now and then. The leaders response? “Well that’s silly isn’t it? How are you going to feel if you don’t reach that? You’ll feel awful” So the other lady sheepishly changed her goal to a loss of 4lbs.

Now, I get that she doesn’t want us to be disappointed but we are all there to lose weight, we have all been referred by our GP’s so it’s not like we don’t have the weight to lose, so I was really shocked at her attitude.

The other thing that irked me is that she didn’t tell me I’ve dropped down to 26 points. It was only because I registered for “esource” (where I can track online and on my phone/iPad) that I found out. If I hadn’t of done that, I wouldn’t have known and could have jeopardised my own weight loss without even knowing.

I really want to do this, and I want to do it well. Luckily, I am part of a wonderful online community and have some lovely friends that are helping me out and letting me rant at them! Thank you, you know who you are

So, onwards and inwards!

 

Watching my Weight

Last night, I joined Weight Watchers. As I mentioned previously, I was referred by my GP. I asked for this referral, it wasn’t a case of the doctor looking at me and saying “You’re fat, I’m referring you” I asked for help. Because I know that I am overweight, and because I hate it.

In the past, I have successfully done Slimming World. It worked really well. I lost over 2 stone and was a slinky size 8/10 before I got pregnant. I was just, literally JUST at my ideal weight for height and think I looked OK.

Anyway, I digress.

Last night was my first night at WW after my referral came through. I was nervous. Whenever I’ve been to Slimming World in the past, I always had my husband or a friend with me. This time, it’s me on my own. I was chatting to my friends on-line and admitted my fears, they said “You never know, you  might meet some new friends for life” So I went with an open mind.

This WW group is a group that has been set up especially for fatties that have been referred by their GP. They didn’t use those exact words, but that’s what it is, let’s not beat around the bush. But fairly soon after walking in, I realised I was the youngest by far and that the majority of members were 60+.

I had to fill a form in, I got weighed and was told that my point allowance was 27. I was then show a load of products that I could buy to help me. I ended up coming away with books, a pedometer (which I was doing really well with this morning  then Zack somehow managed to reset it!) and a magazine, plus a headache!

I am really struggling to get me head around the “Pro Points” plan and trying to work out how many points a jacket potato is (on Slimming world they were “free” on a green day, so am not liking the fact that now it’s pointed!) and what I can and can’t eat.

I’m sure I will get there. But right now I’m finding it hard to understand, and am hungry because I’m too scared to eat anything just in case it’s too many points!