I have been pregnant three times. I am not pregnant now. I only have one child. It doesn’t take a genius to do the maths there.
Whilst I was going through my treatment for cancer, one of my main concerns was whether or not I would be able to have more children. I have said on many occasions that I am not done being a mum yet. We always wanted two children, a boy and a girl with about two years difference between them.
Cancer changed our plans, and it seems as though two years between them is nothing but a pipe dream, seeing as Jake is already two and I’m not pregnant. And, even if I got pregnant this month, the baby would be due in March, just two months before Jake is three.
I’m not a patient person. I don’t like waiting for things to happen, and I especially don’t like it when things are out of my control.
Some people would say that we have only been trying for four months (does it matter that it’s “only” been four months when month one of that was a loss, isn’t it worse for me because I’ve HAD a loss and the people saying that never have and managed to conceive on the first month of trying?), or that I shouldn’t complain because I already have a child and I should count myself lucky for that. And I do.
But, I don’t know what the chemo has done to my body. And although I ovulate every month, that doesn’t mean that I will conceive. And then when I did conceive about 7 months after chemo finished, it was a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.
So, I’m feeling really fed up that it hasn’t happened, and I hope it does soon. Telling me not to worry about it, and to relax, doesn’t help. Neither does asking me whenever you see me “Any news yet?” When there is news, I shall share it when I’m ready. Until then, please don’t ask, it just irritates me and makes me all the more aware that it hasn’t happened yet.