29+4

So, somehow I have gone past 29 weeks and am into my third trimester. We have a girls name decided, and we are yet to decide on a boys name, Neil and Jake vs me, it would seem!

This pregnancy feels different to my pregnancies with Jake and Zack. With Jake and Zack, I was elated, excited. This time, I’m waiting for those feelings to kick in.

It’s not that I’m not happy. It’s just that I’m not quite where I was. And I feel awful about it.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster.

We weren’t planning a third, so it was a bit of a shock. Then I was convinced I was going to have another chemical pregnancy, as I’d had before Jake and before Zack. I was sure that was just how my body works. I had early blood tests which showed my HCG levels had more that doubled in a 48 hour period, and we had a scan at around 7 weeks that showed a strong heartbeat.

At 10 weeks, I had a small bleed and some cramping, so had another scan which showed that everything was still fine. The 12 week scan went absolutely fine. We then announced our pregnancy, and had some negative reaction. Heaven forbid we have a third child!

We chose to have a private gender scan at 16 weeks and found out what we were having, but at 20 weeks, found out we were having something else. So we had started to bond with what we thought we were having, and then had to bond with the other.

When I was 23 weeks, my Dad got rushed into hospital with heart trouble, and got a diagnosis of Unstable Angina and spent a few days in CCU. When I was 24 weeks, Dad went back into hospital, spent some more time in CCU and had an angioplasty. When I was 25 weeks, Dad went back into hospital and spent yet more time in CCU.

Also, when I was 25 weeks, Mum failed her memory test at the GP and is being referred to the hospital, and will have some more tests done. I strongly suspect she will end up with some kind of dementia diagnosis.

To add to that, we have been going through some social worker assessments, not for us, but for my brother with learning difficulties to try and get him some extra support, as the support he was getting has now gone away due to lack of funding. Thank you Mr Cameron. The first assessment said he wasn’t eligible, and was factually incorrect, so we put a complaint in, and had to start the process again. We’ve just been through the second assessment, and are waiting for the outcome, although I feel it will be a lot more positive than the last one. It helped that this social worker was older than 12.

So with all of this going on, I’ve not had much of a chance to get ready for this baby. And I think that’s what I need to do. Once the baby clothes come out, the cot gets assembled, my growths scans are ok, I think I will start to feel excited about meeting the new member of our family. I know that once s/he is in my arms, I will fall completely in love.

 

 

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Under Pressure

When I was pregnant with Zack, before we had our gender scan, I was hoping for a girl. I thought one of each would be lovely.

It’s not that I was disappointed when I found out he was a boy, disappointed isn’t the right word, I’m not sure what is. To be truthful, I was just grateful to be carrying a healthy baby after all of the health crap I’d been through.

This time round, I can honestly say I don’t mind what we have. I have two utterly gorgeous (albeit sometimes frustrating) boys, so why would I be upset if I had another one?

If we have another boy, it means that bedroom sharing in the future won’t be as much of an issue, as the two that get on best share, as opposed to having to share just because. It means we pretty much have everything we need.

If we have a girl, it means I get to go shopping for girly things, which I will be equally as happy with. As long as they are healthy, I don’t mind.

I wish I could say everyone felt the same as me. Certain people have made it abundantly clear that a boy would be a disappointment and a girl is necessary to fulfil their pretty dress buying needs.

Jake has requested a little sister, that he doesn’t want another brother.

I feel under an immense amount of pressure to produce a female, and I don’t like it.

I can’t choose. In fact, the gender selection isn’t even anything to do with me, that’s all down to Neil.

So I’ve made a decision.

And that decision is, we are keeping it a surprise. That’s not to say we aren’t finding out, it just means that if we do, as far as possible we won’t be revealing what we are having until s/he is here.

And I know some people with disagree with that. Will say that we are being awkward, maybe even selfish.

I don’t care.

I can’t win.

If I say it’s a boy, I will get comments such as “Oh, that’s a shame” “A girl would have been nice” “Are you disappointed?” Cue people being defriended and blocked.

If I say it’s a girl I will get “Oh how lovely, I bet you are so pleased it’s not another boy.”

Would anyone dare say to me when I’m holding a baby in my arms: “Yeah he’s ok I suppose, shame he’s not a girl though.” NO! Of course not.

So I ask of you: Don’t try and pressure me or trick me into telling you. It will only lead to me getting annoyed and us falling out.

If we change our minds and choose to find out and/or reveal, then we shall, but the decision shall remain ours and I won’t be bullied into anything else.

There is no pause button

On Monday, Zack will be one. In May, Jake will be four. He starts school in September. It’s going far too quickly.

Sometimes, I wish there was a pause button. To soak up these times. To enjoy them being small for longer.

My boys are my world. I love them with all that I am. And I know that they are MY boys, and I am supposed to love them with all that I am, and treasure the time I spend with them. But I struggle to understand why other people can’t make time for them. Not when they have time for everyone else.

Jake, he understands things. He understands broken promises. He remembers that we are going to Thomas Land soon. He understands we are going on holiday to a farm. He understands that soon, Daddy is going to take him camping. He understands these things because I talk to him about them, so he remembers.

But just as easily, he forgets. If he doesn’t see someone for a long time, he forgets them.

Zack, he’s nearly one. He’s crawling, he’s walking around the furniture, he has a personality. He throws a strop if he doesn’t get his own way. But he’s so smiley, and happy. And he’s growing, so fast.

And I can’t pause it. There is nothing I can do to slow it down. But I’m here, I’m watching, I’m drinking it all in. I’m not missing out.

There is no pause button. They grow. They change. There is nothing I can do.

There is no pause button.

Hair’s a Dilemma

 I am not known for ever being adventurous with my hair. My two styles are ponytail, or down. Unless it’s short, and then it’s flat, or spiky. And it hasn’t been short by choice for a year or two Before Cancer (BC). Occasionally I can go a bit mad with colour, but even then, it’s plum, or burgundy, or at my most adventurous, blue/black.

But Post Cancer (PC) I’ve not done anything. I’ve let it grow. And grow some more, and then a bit more. And now I’m bored.

So, dear readers, I am going to post some of my various hairstyles in the hope you will guide me. My hair appointment is booked for Sunday at 10am.

Help!

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Short and spiky. Before cancer, before babies

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Growing out the short and spiky

Four days after diagnosis, just before starting chemo, the day I decided to get my hair cut short in preparation for losing it

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1 month post chemo

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2 months post chemo, still looking puffy from the steroids

Around 7 months post chemo

Around 7 months post chemo

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9 months post chemo

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Around 10 months post chemo

11 months post chemo

11 months post chemo

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Last night! 2.5 years post chemo

So I don’t really know what to do. I did love it short, but I’m not ready to go back there yet I don’t think. But I am bored with having it this long. I’m contemplating a fringe, but hubby says no.

What do you think?
 

 

Like vs Love

Our house has been on the market for two months now. In that two months, we’ve only had three viewings, and out of those three viewings, only one has bothered to give feedback. We have another one lined up for this weekend, and some others have enquired via rightmove, and we have an editorial going out in the local paper tomorrow.

I know that two months isn’t really a long time, but once you’ve made your mind up to do something, you just want it to happen. So we’ve talked, and the option of renting our house out so we can move sooner has come into conversation. My in-laws have very kindly offered for us to move in with them while we wait for our house purchase to go through should we see one we like.

Today, we looked at three houses. One was a definite no. I knew as soon as I walked in. To be honest, I didn’t even want to look at the upstairs, I just did to be polite. One we loved, but it needs work doing: a new kitchen, new windows, decorating all through and a new bathroom. But it’s the right size and meets all our needs. The other house was nice. Really nice, we wouldn’t need to do anything else to it for a while, it’d need a new kitchen in a few years, but the living room was an awkward shape and we’d struggle to find a layout that worked. We liked it, but we didn’t love it.

So what do you do? How do you choose? Do you go for a house that you like that you wouldn’t need to spend any money on that you like, or a house that needs things doing to it that you love?

What would you do?

BlogCamp Meet and Greet

On 21st April this year, I am off to BlogCamp in Birmingham. Anyone who knows me or who is a regular reader will be thinking: “Hang on, isn’t she having a baby in April?” The answer would be yes. My due date is April 8th, and I shall be there with my newborn. So I won’t be looking as good as the picture above and may be looking frazzled, worn out, and any other words like that you can think of. If you see me rocking in a corner, please feel free to come over and have a cuddle of me and/or the baby.

Name: Roz

Blog: Life, Love and Lollipops

Twitter: @rozzibee

My Blog’s About: Pregnancy, parenting, life after cancer, reviews, general ramblings.

Likes: Books, social media, Corrie, baking, remission, afternoon tea.

Dislikes: Cliques, bananas, bad customer service, hospitals, bullies.

If you are going to BlogCamp this year then why don’t you do a meet and greet too, and add it to the linky?

See you there!

Gender Disappointment?

When I first saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, up until the day I paid for a private gender scan, I made no secret of the fact that if I had a choice in the matter, baby number 2 would be a girl. Hubby doesn’t want any more children after this one, so it seems as though I won’t ever be able to go shopping for pink things.

And you know what? Part of that makes me really sad. I feel like in amongst my group of friends, I’m the only one that will have two the same and no little girl. While I might feel a bit disappointed that I’m not having a girl, that doesn’t in any way mean I’m disappointed to be having a little boy.

I look at Jake, and I am so proud of him. He’s funny, he’s clever, he’s mostly well behaved, his speech is really good, and in my opinion, he’s gorgeous! So if my next one is half as cute, I’ll be more than happy.

While I’m dealing with my own demons on this, I feel like I’m also dealing with other peoples. I know that someone in particular would have loved for me to have a girl. I was nervous about telling that person that it was another boy, worried that their reaction would be one of disappointment. I was having a conversation with said person the other day. We were talking about Jake, and I said “We’re going to have another baby boy soon”. Their response? “It doesn’t matter”

I know perfectly well it doesn’t matter, but the fact that they felt the need to say that out loud clearly shows it matters to them.

I am beyond happy at having another baby. There was a chance that the chemo I had would make me infertile, and even though it was only a small chance, I was still very worried about it, so the fact that I am not and that so far, everything is progressing well with the pregnancy, makes everything else pale into comparison.

So don’t tell me that “It doesn’t matter” that I’m having another boy. I know it doesn’t. I am already in love with my baby boy, and I can’t wait until April when I get to meet him.