It’s been a while…

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. I got to the point where blogging had become a chore and I’d forgotten what I was even doing it for.

A lot has happened, a lot is still happening, and I think maybe if I got some of it down, it might help me process things.

I don’t even know where to start.

Mum has Alzheimer’s. She has declined so much over the last two years to the point where she can barely string a sentence together. She can’t go to the bathroom alone, she gets scared if she’s alone for more than a minute or two. The grandchildren she adored and who were her world are now nothing but a noisy irritation to her. She’s not my mum anymore, not really, and it’s horrible.

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My parents are selling their house, my childhood home, and buying a bungalow. Whilst I know this is the best thing for them, I’m sad that they have to. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how mum will cope.

The people I thought might understand and might be there for me, aren’t. I know that people have lives to get on with, I’m not so completely ignorant of that, but sometimes it might be nice for people to involve me, to include me in things where I don’t have to be “on call”. I have elderly parents who need me, I have a husband and children who need me, but I still have feelings, and it seems as though not many people care about them.

I’ve reached a point now that I’ve made a decision.

I’m going to stop trying to fit in where there clearly isn’t room for me. I’m going to stop making the effort. Because I can’t do everything. Getting through each day is struggle enough.

Life-is-too-short

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Under Pressure

When I was pregnant with Zack, before we had our gender scan, I was hoping for a girl. I thought one of each would be lovely.

It’s not that I was disappointed when I found out he was a boy, disappointed isn’t the right word, I’m not sure what is. To be truthful, I was just grateful to be carrying a healthy baby after all of the health crap I’d been through.

This time round, I can honestly say I don’t mind what we have. I have two utterly gorgeous (albeit sometimes frustrating) boys, so why would I be upset if I had another one?

If we have another boy, it means that bedroom sharing in the future won’t be as much of an issue, as the two that get on best share, as opposed to having to share just because. It means we pretty much have everything we need.

If we have a girl, it means I get to go shopping for girly things, which I will be equally as happy with. As long as they are healthy, I don’t mind.

I wish I could say everyone felt the same as me. Certain people have made it abundantly clear that a boy would be a disappointment and a girl is necessary to fulfil their pretty dress buying needs.

Jake has requested a little sister, that he doesn’t want another brother.

I feel under an immense amount of pressure to produce a female, and I don’t like it.

I can’t choose. In fact, the gender selection isn’t even anything to do with me, that’s all down to Neil.

So I’ve made a decision.

And that decision is, we are keeping it a surprise. That’s not to say we aren’t finding out, it just means that if we do, as far as possible we won’t be revealing what we are having until s/he is here.

And I know some people with disagree with that. Will say that we are being awkward, maybe even selfish.

I don’t care.

I can’t win.

If I say it’s a boy, I will get comments such as “Oh, that’s a shame” “A girl would have been nice” “Are you disappointed?” Cue people being defriended and blocked.

If I say it’s a girl I will get “Oh how lovely, I bet you are so pleased it’s not another boy.”

Would anyone dare say to me when I’m holding a baby in my arms: “Yeah he’s ok I suppose, shame he’s not a girl though.” NO! Of course not.

So I ask of you: Don’t try and pressure me or trick me into telling you. It will only lead to me getting annoyed and us falling out.

If we change our minds and choose to find out and/or reveal, then we shall, but the decision shall remain ours and I won’t be bullied into anything else.

There is no pause button

On Monday, Zack will be one. In May, Jake will be four. He starts school in September. It’s going far too quickly.

Sometimes, I wish there was a pause button. To soak up these times. To enjoy them being small for longer.

My boys are my world. I love them with all that I am. And I know that they are MY boys, and I am supposed to love them with all that I am, and treasure the time I spend with them. But I struggle to understand why other people can’t make time for them. Not when they have time for everyone else.

Jake, he understands things. He understands broken promises. He remembers that we are going to Thomas Land soon. He understands we are going on holiday to a farm. He understands that soon, Daddy is going to take him camping. He understands these things because I talk to him about them, so he remembers.

But just as easily, he forgets. If he doesn’t see someone for a long time, he forgets them.

Zack, he’s nearly one. He’s crawling, he’s walking around the furniture, he has a personality. He throws a strop if he doesn’t get his own way. But he’s so smiley, and happy. And he’s growing, so fast.

And I can’t pause it. There is nothing I can do to slow it down. But I’m here, I’m watching, I’m drinking it all in. I’m not missing out.

There is no pause button. They grow. They change. There is nothing I can do.

There is no pause button.