It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. I got to the point where blogging had become a chore and I’d forgotten what I was even doing it for.
A lot has happened, a lot is still happening, and I think maybe if I got some of it down, it might help me process things.
I don’t even know where to start.
Mum has Alzheimer’s. She has declined so much over the last two years to the point where she can barely string a sentence together. She can’t go to the bathroom alone, she gets scared if she’s alone for more than a minute or two. The grandchildren she adored and who were her world are now nothing but a noisy irritation to her. She’s not my mum anymore, not really, and it’s horrible.
My parents are selling their house, my childhood home, and buying a bungalow. Whilst I know this is the best thing for them, I’m sad that they have to. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how mum will cope.
The people I thought might understand and might be there for me, aren’t. I know that people have lives to get on with, I’m not so completely ignorant of that, but sometimes it might be nice for people to involve me, to include me in things where I don’t have to be “on call”. I have elderly parents who need me, I have a husband and children who need me, but I still have feelings, and it seems as though not many people care about them.
I’ve reached a point now that I’ve made a decision.
I’m going to stop trying to fit in where there clearly isn’t room for me. I’m going to stop making the effort. Because I can’t do everything. Getting through each day is struggle enough.